This was written on September 8, 1996 (not by me though)
If one were happy and enjoying their life, then it would make perfect sense for them to want to live. After all, it is normal to do things that make you feel good. It is perfectly logical to want to live so that you can continue to receive pleasure from whatever you get it from. Now what if you do not receive pleasure from anything? Or what if any of the pleasure you receive is greatly outweighed by misery? What if you're happy one hour a day but unhappy all other hours of the day? Or if not unhappy, at least not happy. What if life consists of just getting through the day and nothing more? Why should you want to live if your days contains no happiness? If most of your day contains unhappiness or anger or apathy or just no feeling then what the hell is the point of
continuing the pain? Sure you can do it but why would you want to? What would be the point? It is clearly logical to try and move away from the pain. And it is logical to not want to live if there is no pleasure to make you want to stay. So whaat do I need to give me pleasure? I don't want to be alone anymore. I want somone in my life. Someone I can love, care for, and respect. And I want someone that would love, care for, and respect me. I want to be in a relationship that I could not survive without my mate. I want my mate to be the only thing I live for. The focus of of my life shall be her. She'll be by my side always and she will not leave my sight for more than a minute before
I miss her presence. There will not be two individuals. We will be one where if one is gone the
other can not exsist without them. There will be no mysteries for every thought one has, the other will know it. Loyalty will not even be an issue since one can not survive without the other and not want to. Other people would mean nothing to us. Only each other matters. The entire population could disapear and we would not notice. If someone tried to pick her up she would just laugh and tell me about it and we would laugh together. I think I have heard that some of this might not be part of a what is considered a healthy relationship. I really don't care about losing my identity though. This kind of relationship feels right to me though. Or it feels like what I need. I just need to be so close that we are no longer two but one. Now... where on earth could I possibly find someone to fullfil this need with me? So you see my dilemma. I mean it obviously can't be just anyone. I mean I bet a lot of people wouldn't want this type of relationship. And even if someone did, then they would have to be a good enough person so that I could love and respect them this much. Not an easy thing.

Signing off..it's
Hellegood