In The Aw-tum


It's too early in the morning but I'm up, getting ready to go to work. One problem with working these times is that I never get enough sleep, but the pro that makes it okay is that I get off early enough to go home for my regularly scheduled nap.

But that's not what I came around to blog about... the other day I called me mum to wish her a happy 4th of July and to ask when my Philippine goodies were coming. I always let her talk because I never call her enough and combining this with the fact that I'm never around, always leaves me feeling a little guilty and sad, and so I let her vent and gossip and we always have a good time on the phone (we always have a good time anywhere). But this time, though we left laughing I was struck by the fact that my mom's getting old and nearly reaching the autumn of her years. I hate thinking about it but she seems only too ready to get to that stage and live out the rest of her years.

I almost disliked her for it because I have abandonment issues.

She went on and on about how she can't wait to retire and how she's going to spend her time, out among her mango trees, or greeting guests and friends at her little Philippines resort and restaurant. heh. She wasn't sure whether she should call the latter "Michelle and Michael's".

I felt a little left out of it and guilty that I don't spend enough time with her and I know that when she goes I will regret not doing enough with her but what can I do? Call her everyday? She and I both know that that would annoy both of us, besides, what can we talk about everyday? I like our two weeks worth of phone calls crammed into two hours. It's just that I don't want her to become inactive and befriending the roofers* because she has nothing to keep her life fulfilled. I'm glad that she does have plans and interests after nursing but I also know that she loves her job and it's something she's done since she was in her early 20's and to stop after 40 years is intense and strange.

What it really comes down to is that I don't like to see her get old and to see one of my in-laws wandering around doing what is the equivalent to nothing, and seeing him deteriorate before our eyes is somewhat scary. He used to lead a busy, scheduled life and I know he enjoys the idea of retirement but to go from doing something 9-5 everday, to nothing, ( this may seem like paradise for some) I can tell you that I am witness to the devil in his idle hands.

I used to hate the idea of getting old and frail and somewhere in there I learned that I can't hate something that is just natural and continual. There is nothing I can do about it and nothing I want to do about it. I don't think I could or would search for or take an anti-aging/anti-death serum because eventually people just get on your nerves and you wish they would die anyway, so better that they do and have you keep happy memories than bitter angry real life interactions.

Where did this blog end up? I don't even know anymore and I'm getting late so I better run. Toodles.

Me.

*This refers to the in-law stated a few paragraphs up.