Taking The Leap


I've been deciding whether it feels any different [that flow of words, that signing of a simple paper, the band of gold, the kiss that sealed it] that led to my current "state" but I don't think so. I wasn't expecting it to at all but I'm disappointed that it didn't surprise me.

Even though I'm only 24 I've been around enough to notice that life follows a pattern. An ebb and flow like the ocean, drawing or pushing you back. The pattern follows as I find myself at the beginning of something; eager and determined. Usually this is the time I am sucessful at everything I do, then this is followed by the proverbial resting on my laurels, then the final stage where I feel as if I've stayed too long I need to find something else. (I think that's why I loved college so much, because of the constant shifting into something new.) I've always suspected as a child that I would be one to travel around constantly.

I romantically imagine that if I were in one of those films that depicts Native Americans as almost psychic and attuned to a deeper level of 'earth'* I would be named "Wandering Mountain Lion" and described as fiercely independent and ever searching, as if my animal soul were looking for something, and to be caged up would only cause me to rot in stagnation as I pace my cage. Though those movies also say when one's animal were asleep then I could 'settle'. But what do they know?

Forgive the above paragraph. I haven't eaten.

What I really wanted to say is that I am looking forward to moving away from this. "This" is both physical and mental and they're tied together because I expect that once I step away from this physical place my mind will also be freed from the restraints. I guess that's what I was 'not-expecting' my marriage to surprise me with.

Forget that paragraph too. Same reason.

Okay I'll try to end it with this, then get something to munch on:
Eventually it has become just another place to escape from, a place where I had stayed too long, a place full of memories but whose magic had inevitably worn off.

I feel the tug, the ebb of the next tide pulling at me and standing here at the very edge of the sand, sinking as the water pulls at my ankles, I am taking a deep breath and am ready to leap in.

Me.

*I'm not familiar with Native American culture and that statement was not meant to be disrespectful in anyway to their culture. I am only going by what I've seen in movies and what non N.A. depictions have been.

P.S. I saw "Gattaca" again the other day, probably the main influence for what I've written.