Well I'm back. Returning from that arduous climb I find myself back in the midst of a heated discussion between fellow classmates. It seems, from what I can glean of their hellish English majors speak, there is a niche for blank-American writing (fill in the blank with your ethnicity). This is great news for me, a wannabe writer, who has her own story to tell about the rough childhood, the loose adolescence, the struggle to find my footing in a place that has its own idea of who fits in. Would be a great movie, huh? haha. Aren't we all sick and tired with the "confessional" style by now? Yes I know you're life, it's the same everywhere else. Perhaps i just happen to be wearing my defeatist face at the moment. There are too many obstacles from where I'm standing, too many of my own insecurities blocking my view of the forest. Perhaps another hike across the globe... This time to the falls of Victoria, (rightly named after my pretty kitty). Who contemplates majestically the meaning of life. And in the midst of the humid, jungle the sounds of the ever present insects humming in my ears, there is a faint thunder. I fear a coming storm approaching, but my guide wears a smile on his face at my apprehension. He beckons me to follow and the thundering reaches a crescendo. Through a gap in the serpentine vines, I am blinded by the...
Rich tells me that it's too cliche. Good.

Deep crevasses. Awesome mountains, beautiful plains, trekking most of the day, eating pizza and fresh goat cheese. Not a place for women but with this new hair-do, i don't think i'll be recognized...now if only i could get help wrapping these bandages around my breasts... next day, the steady but slow climb upwards has made me dizzy and nauseous...we break not only for me but for my fellow trekkers as well. We should reach the pinnacle, summit, peak, apex (whatever) by afternoon. The view should be magnificent....more later.

Me

It's Friday and thank you God. My mind hasn't realized what my body has been telling me about two weeks ago; my semester is almost over and i'm not going to take it anymore! I still have three other papers to write and two finals! What the heck is that? Don't they know we only have three weeks of class left? I can't wait for some sort of respite. I need some rest now, so til I write again.

Signing off...it's
Hellegood

It's Wednesday and i have three classes today and I'm tired, chaotic, feeling so depressed, unable to do anything. I'm listening to Stern at the moment and I must confess i happen to think that Lange is funny...really that's not even a confession...hehe. Sorry Rich, you know I love you. I have a soft spot for fat, funny, guys. heehee. I have to shower and drag my sorry bum to school and I'm just not feeling it at all. It's the weather. Here in N.E. it's gray, cold, drizzly and too early in the morn. I've been depressed by that darn William-Sonoma catalogue that I've sneaked out of the store. I've been reading it on the toilet and felt a surge of unhappiness looking and grunting over all the expensive little doodads, finally I got up and left my own priceless doodads in the toilet and left the catalogue in the tub. That's what I think of you! And though I felt some semblance of peace as I flushed away my valuables i was returned to my previous depression as i trudged out into the kitchen and found nothing to eat. So begins my day...Artie just needs one more point to win and shut those losers up. But knowing his bad luck he probably wont get there. haha. I'll update later. Dammit he lost! By two points and all he needed was one point!!!

It's just me.

I think it gets easier and easier to define what you want in life as you get older. I struggled a lot with the thoughts of my own future when I was younger. Although I wouldn't say "struggle", per-say, it was more like I had so many choices and choices were what made it more difficult to say exactly what I wanted for myself. However it is much harder to judge someone as I get older because I have gone through experiences that allow me to place myself in someone elses shoes easier than when I was younger. "Intolerance is a lack of imagination" or something like that... I know definitely that I want a man who has a sense of humor similar to my own. Someone who is considerate, somone who is my best friend. I'll write more of this at another time.

This was written on September 8, 1996 (not by me though)
If one were happy and enjoying their life, then it would make perfect sense for them to want to live. After all, it is normal to do things that make you feel good. It is perfectly logical to want to live so that you can continue to receive pleasure from whatever you get it from. Now what if you do not receive pleasure from anything? Or what if any of the pleasure you receive is greatly outweighed by misery? What if you're happy one hour a day but unhappy all other hours of the day? Or if not unhappy, at least not happy. What if life consists of just getting through the day and nothing more? Why should you want to live if your days contains no happiness? If most of your day contains unhappiness or anger or apathy or just no feeling then what the hell is the point of
continuing the pain? Sure you can do it but why would you want to? What would be the point? It is clearly logical to try and move away from the pain. And it is logical to not want to live if there is no pleasure to make you want to stay. So whaat do I need to give me pleasure? I don't want to be alone anymore. I want somone in my life. Someone I can love, care for, and respect. And I want someone that would love, care for, and respect me. I want to be in a relationship that I could not survive without my mate. I want my mate to be the only thing I live for. The focus of of my life shall be her. She'll be by my side always and she will not leave my sight for more than a minute before
I miss her presence. There will not be two individuals. We will be one where if one is gone the
other can not exsist without them. There will be no mysteries for every thought one has, the other will know it. Loyalty will not even be an issue since one can not survive without the other and not want to. Other people would mean nothing to us. Only each other matters. The entire population could disapear and we would not notice. If someone tried to pick her up she would just laugh and tell me about it and we would laugh together. I think I have heard that some of this might not be part of a what is considered a healthy relationship. I really don't care about losing my identity though. This kind of relationship feels right to me though. Or it feels like what I need. I just need to be so close that we are no longer two but one. Now... where on earth could I possibly find someone to fullfil this need with me? So you see my dilemma. I mean it obviously can't be just anyone. I mean I bet a lot of people wouldn't want this type of relationship. And even if someone did, then they would have to be a good enough person so that I could love and respect them this much. Not an easy thing.

Signing off..it's
Hellegood

Dying is a slow process. I don't know when I realized that I was dying. I had hints and inklings but not enough to piece together. Never enough to stir an awareness of self to know that I was dying, until now. Why was I dying? Surely we all come to a point when we accept death. No one lives forever, everyone dies, accidents happen, people grow old, it's not meant to be. That is why I'm dying. When will I die? It's slow, it's here, it's now. I am dying. What the hell am I dying for? Too selfish to be a martyr. I am dying for the hell that awaits me. I will go to hell for my truths. How am I dying? Cause and effect.
It started with birth. My child's birth. And she was beautiful. And I laughed along with her as she came out and opened, opened her mouth and it was laughter to my ears. And I die for me, she is me, I am she. She is my death.

Look at me i'm Rich and i'm a computer geek, i know dvorak and i shove it in your face by printing out little tabbies to stick on everyone's computer, even your precious ibook. why do i have to ruin everything beautiful? that's mine!!

Are women really genetically inclined towards men who can provide comfortable lives, plentiful children and safety? I've seen enough Discovery Channel documentaries to know that women will choose a man with money over a good looking man because we are genetically configured to find a man attractive who can provide security for our offspring and ourselves. Given a picture of two men, women have chosen more frequently a guy dressed in a business suit over the other dressed in a blue collar outfit and it was the same man! However, though we may end up with a man who is financially stable the gothic romance and supermarket romances aren't wrong. A lot of women find the "bad boy" a turn on and we give reasons like, "he's such a mystery", and "he doesn't follow any conventional rules" to justify or perhaps counter our own genetic predispositions. But in the end who do we end up with? And when we finally get to know the bad boy it turns out he's not such a rule breaker, but probably is more law abiding than the financially stable man. But how many women would admit having a crush on Bill Gates?
Signing off...it's
Hellegood