Update On Life

A short time ago I watched a video and I felt that a little part of my innocence died. I still wake up to nightmarish flashes of it and can't seem to shake it. As usual, the world still kept going and I would make dinner, lunch, some meal for whatever time of day it was.

I've been experiencing a nesting feeling of sorts. I spent days cleaning and finally slowed it down today. When I started I had this anxiety that I would clean everything too soon and I wouldn't have anything left to clean (note, this is far from true). I had this desperate plea with myself not to take a toothbrush to the tile and scrub and scrub and scrub. Also, I've been staring at little clothes and cribs. I bought a once-live tree, decorated it, placed presents beneath it and am waiting for something to come along to add to it. I had the urge to buy bath salts and have a "tubber". I haven't had a lay-in-the-tub bath in close to 20 years.

I want a baby.

I've been wanting a baby since forever but now I've gotten weird-jittery about it. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to snatch someone's baby and put my nose up to it and smell baby powder, baby skin and milk (and hand it back). I spend time imagining what the baby would look like. A combination, but what about its hair, complexion and eyes? Light brown, darker brown, not brown at all? My nose? His nose? My chin, his ears? My hands, his personality? I try, coyly and with tears, to make him succumb into giving me a baby. Hasn't worked yet but I see him wavering.

In the meantime our ten-year relationship anniversary has come and gone and Thanksgiving was spent with coconuts. The tree has twinkling and steady lights, our first tree, by ourselves. Not our first Thanksgiving by ourselves and not our first Christmas by ourselves.

Damn mothers, my mother and his, for not giving me the answer I want!

I want!

Just say "Yes".

I have to go make the bed, cook dinner and get into the tub. See y'all on the flip side.

Me.

Update of sorts

Why is it so embarrassing to purchase a pregnancy test at the supermarket? I'm reminded of the days when I bought condoms at CVS. I must adore squirming under the gaze of a mother-like woman who looks at me up and down before and after she scans my item.

Me.

P.S. I am not pregnant! I think...

Julienne!!

I got your letter but stupid me I accidentally threw out the envelope with your new address on it!! Could you text me your new address, yes I still have the same number. I didn't know if yours still works. I'll give it a try.

Sorry!!

Eyes and Windows

The background part 1:
I have a windshield cover for my car because it helps block out that bright-hot Florida sun from infiltrating the inside of my car. It's still blistering when you get in but Rich thinks it helps so I put it up.

The background part 2:
In Florida we have parking rows that are one direction only, so that to enter you pull in and to exit you pull out, and all spaces are diagonal. You don't "pull through" and it's hard to exit if you do.

The story:
The other day, after shopping at the supermarket, I got in the car and backed up, lalalala, "oh good no one's behind me..." then I put the car into drive and drove a little when I realized that I couldn't see where I was going. I had my windshield cover up. What's weird is, I can almost swear I knew exactly where to go and how to drive without seeing, as if I had a sixth sense that was steering me. Almost like those cartoons where the character runs off the cliff and is going fine and dandy until something makes him realizes that there is no more ground beneath him and he plummets.

The end.

It's been rainy here the past few days and the moths have been a-swarming. I'm pretty sure I've counted 50 different varieties of moths. Grey with dark grey stripes, gold with brown stripes, grey with amber stripes, little ones, one big enough to be a sparrow, medium ones, black ones with white markings and whitish ones with black markings. They sit on the stuccoed surface of our hallways, little drab triangles that have been pasted up, and flutter only when the wind gusts or when the lights turn on. They don't make noise or spin webs, just silent observers of my comings and goings.

The streets have become mucky, the leaves have been blown off and night comes on quicker and stays a little longer. The pumpkins and my cat are out and there are strains of melancholic music that float along the air and nestle in one's ear, leaving you longing.

I love the Fall.

Warning! The Following May Contain Material Inappropriate For Children Under 13 and the Male Gender:

I bought a diva cup.
It got stuck.
We used pliers.
It hurt.
A. LOT.
There may have been a few tears.

I will try it again...


Me.

I promised I would have a blog yesterday... oops

Did you ever feel like not wanting to shake hands at church so you go to the least seated section, and all of a sudden, as if there were lights above you blinking "sit next to me! sit next to me!" over your head and everyone troops in, sitting uncomfortably close? No? Me neither...

I usually update what I did for my birthday, not for your benefit but for mine. Have you noticed that I'm getting older? By the time I'm thirty I'll have forgotten my name. It'll be good to have some form of documentation of what I did this or that year. But when the time comes that I'll need to boost my memory, the aliens will have enslaved us and are using our bodies as vessels in which to spawn their species... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The evening before my actual birthday Rich and I went to the House of Blues, ate appetizers of file (fee-lay) gumbo and brick oven pizza. I had jambalaya and he had a po' boy sandwich. We didn't get dessert because I was too embarrassed to correct our waiter. I couldn't finish my huge bowl of jambalaya so when he came by he said "would you like a box for that?" and I replied "yes" and then as he walked away I said to him "could we also have dessert?" and he came back with the box and a check, no dessert menu. I figured he misheard me and thought I said "we wont be having dessert".

Instead, we made our way in the rain to the Haagen-Dazs store for some delicious ice cream and ate it, huddled outside, overlooking the lake, under a slim awning, trying to avoid the rain. It was very romantic. Rich had some hot fudge sauce on his chin and I had accidentally spilled mint chocolate chip on my shirt.

So that was the eve of my birthday, the next day we had two slices of cake, I blew out the candles, and munched on garlic bread roast beef sandwiches.

Yum!