A short time ago I watched a video and I felt that a little part of my innocence died. I still wake up to nightmarish flashes of it and can't seem to shake it. As usual, the world still kept going and I would make dinner, lunch, some meal for whatever time of day it was.
I've been experiencing a nesting feeling of sorts. I spent days cleaning and finally slowed it down today. When I started I had this anxiety that I would clean everything too soon and I wouldn't have anything left to clean (note, this is far from true). I had this desperate plea with myself not to take a toothbrush to the tile and scrub and scrub and scrub. Also, I've been staring at little clothes and cribs. I bought a once-live tree, decorated it, placed presents beneath it and am waiting for something to come along to add to it. I had the urge to buy bath salts and have a "tubber". I haven't had a lay-in-the-tub bath in close to 20 years.
I want a baby.
I've been wanting a baby since forever but now I've gotten weird-jittery about it. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to snatch someone's baby and put my nose up to it and smell baby powder, baby skin and milk (and hand it back). I spend time imagining what the baby would look like. A combination, but what about its hair, complexion and eyes? Light brown, darker brown, not brown at all? My nose? His nose? My chin, his ears? My hands, his personality? I try, coyly and with tears, to make him succumb into giving me a baby. Hasn't worked yet but I see him wavering.
In the meantime our ten-year relationship anniversary has come and gone and Thanksgiving was spent with coconuts. The tree has twinkling and steady lights, our first tree, by ourselves. Not our first Thanksgiving by ourselves and not our first Christmas by ourselves.
Damn mothers, my mother and his, for not giving me the answer I want!
I want!
Just say "Yes".
I have to go make the bed, cook dinner and get into the tub. See y'all on the flip side.
Me.
I've been experiencing a nesting feeling of sorts. I spent days cleaning and finally slowed it down today. When I started I had this anxiety that I would clean everything too soon and I wouldn't have anything left to clean (note, this is far from true). I had this desperate plea with myself not to take a toothbrush to the tile and scrub and scrub and scrub. Also, I've been staring at little clothes and cribs. I bought a once-live tree, decorated it, placed presents beneath it and am waiting for something to come along to add to it. I had the urge to buy bath salts and have a "tubber". I haven't had a lay-in-the-tub bath in close to 20 years.
I want a baby.
I've been wanting a baby since forever but now I've gotten weird-jittery about it. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to snatch someone's baby and put my nose up to it and smell baby powder, baby skin and milk (and hand it back). I spend time imagining what the baby would look like. A combination, but what about its hair, complexion and eyes? Light brown, darker brown, not brown at all? My nose? His nose? My chin, his ears? My hands, his personality? I try, coyly and with tears, to make him succumb into giving me a baby. Hasn't worked yet but I see him wavering.
In the meantime our ten-year relationship anniversary has come and gone and Thanksgiving was spent with coconuts. The tree has twinkling and steady lights, our first tree, by ourselves. Not our first Thanksgiving by ourselves and not our first Christmas by ourselves.
Damn mothers, my mother and his, for not giving me the answer I want!
I want!
Just say "Yes".
I have to go make the bed, cook dinner and get into the tub. See y'all on the flip side.
Me.
